Sunday, February 28, 2010

License to walk

Having been a pedestrian all my life, this issue is close to my heart. As if the bloody drivers/riders (aka non-pedestrians) with murderous instincts were not bad enough, the Walkers of the world have also started posing some serious impediments. Hence, I think it's time that justice prevail and just like drivers need a license (though fat lot of good *that* does) walkers should need a license. Here's the criteria I have helpfully compiled to aid the drive in case someone in the Government does take note/heed of my suggestion.

The following criteria, if met, opens you to a world of sidewalks, pavements, and stairways. (If not met, do us a favour, stay at home and DIE, cretin!)

1. You are alone and walk in a straight line.

Notable exceptions:
a) when under the influence of alcohol and other narcotic/hallucinogenic substances,
b) when receiving directions from navigationally-challenged friends or co-walkers

Penalty for violation: Aim for the knees, lunge, and don't let go until s/he begs for his/her mother.

2. There are 2-3 of you and you walk in a single file when you see someone approaching from the other direction.

Notable exceptions: NONE

Penalty for violation: (action for opposite side person) Jab (hard) with elbow and step (harder) on person obstructing your path.

3. You move to one side when you hear the words "Excuse" and "me" together.

Notable Exception:
a) when said person is deaf or more likely, dumb.

Penalty for violation: Pull his/her shirt collar and puke your breakfast, lunch, dinner and everything in between in the space between cloth and skin. That should help his/hearing in case of a 'next time'.

4. Landings on stair cases are not where you take important decisions especially during rush hour.

Notable exception:
a) if you've left something behind. In that case take an immediate (read: within nanoseconds) u-turn and join the flow in the opposite direction. Will not be held liable in case anyone gets violent with you for breaking their queue.

Penalty for violation: Cause a stampede.Bury the evidence.

5. You do not walk when you talk or talk when you walk. whatever.

Notable exception:
a) if the talk in question is with inner self and/or the voices in your head

Penalty for violation: You will never walk or talk again.

More lists are in the offing - these will focus on other topics of pertinence:
1) How I mated your mother (handling crowds in buses)
2) Letting go - up or down (using escalators and elevators successfully)
3) YES, you can (life without cellphones)

Feedback to improve/expand the said lists and criteria will be welcome.