Monday, February 19, 2007

Life sucks (especially in lymph nodes in the peri-cardial area of the chest)

In an almost instant (read: one year down) replay of the month of February in 06, I am down with yet another “big-time” disease. (I have decided to call this the “T-series sponsored pre-bridal package” –T for typhoid and T for tuberculosis, for the uninitiated).

So, obviously this has meant yet another seemingly endless series of blood tests and discoveries of what hitherto mundane terms such as ultra sounds, CT scans and the like actually mean/feel like. Of these, I find the ultrasound decidedly sadistic – I mean to make a bladder full (doc: do you feel like peeing now? Me: uhhh…yeah, I guess. Doc: No! No! your bladder is not full enough go drink some more water! Me (meekly): sigh…okay) and then have a gel-like substance + probe (and here comes the sadistic part) keep pressing your super-full bladder. Ulp.

And then there is the CT Scan. First, they make you drink this vile, vile bottleful of medicated liquid they lovingly call “contrast” (drink a glassful every 20 minutes). So, a torturous one and almost- half hour later, you are asked to don an antiseptic robe and are asked to lie down on a table. Then, they poke you with an IV needle. (Now, thanks to the T-series sponsorship, I am as used to needles as Shilpa Shetty to sanctimony, so this wasn’t a bother.) Just as you wonder about the why of this, they start injecting (in my case 3) syringes full of some saline crap (even more lovingly referred to as “more contrast” – like I am some desperately bad transmission-ed TV that they need to adjust to catch the match-winning shot) that instantly finds its way to my throat when I am trapped inside the giant machine. GAWD! That was one nightmare!

Next up are the reports, (which I am convinced are expressly created by losers of the spelling bee or some such and who have since decided to use every possible convolutedly big word to describe the most commonplace things). Now, it is bad enough to have your organs listed like this test was conducted for Hannibal’s annual inventory or something (“Liver – distended. no focal lesions found” …as opposed to NORMAL! or “Uterus – Anteverted” - YIKES! I have an Anteverted Uterus – Is that like, contagious?!”) , they actually go the extra mile to insult some of the organs that they don’t find anything fancy to say about (“Gall bladder – unremarkable” – YOUR Gall bladder unremarkable. Your FATHER's gall bladder unremarkable. bluddy!).

And alllll of these tiresome experiences of course have led to a diagnosis and lots of medication and lifestyle changes and bed rest and truckloads of endless ennui (and thereby, this post)and a lot of change-of-plans in terms of other stuff planned for February and March.

Until ‘08 then…Sigh.