A Voyeur’s View

Background: On Friday, I was at a friend’s place for a house-warming dinner thingy. I had been experiencing this mild discomfort-ish feeling I my abdomen for the last three days and the feeling continued at the do.

Suddenly, towards the latter half of the evening, I developed what I can best describe as a series of shooting pains in my abdomen area. These rapidly increased in intensity and in well, the periodicity of occurrence. They worsened enough for me to have to leave the party soon enough.

The unbelievably voyeuristic part: While in the car on my way home (a friend was dropping me) coupled with dealing with the pain et all, I had thoughts like “What if I am dying and no one, not even me, knows it?” I then proceeded to rationalize it by telling myself, “I walked on my own to the car so I can’t be…but what if I am stronger than most other people and therefore, I could still be dying!”

In retrospect, this conversation threw up a whole series of questions about who/what kind of a person I am:

• Is it ‘media influence’ or have I always been this way?
• Does this sort of thing apply to others’ lives too?
• Am I the kind of person all those MMS’s and taped conversations are targeted at?
• Worse, is the TOI written for people like me?

A (read: escapist) part of me doesn’t even want to know the answers for fear of what they might reveal. Life crap is.