Wedding Whittles

They say weddings are a time to gain and to lose – damn right! Losing sleep and hair and gaining pimples and weight seem to be the order of the day! As I have mentioned before, my family has established something of a tradition what with consecutive weddings in the last week of December over the last three years.

So after considerable deliberation, I can safely say that these are what weddings are all really about for the people who are not, in fact, the to-be-wed couple :

• If you are married, then it is everyone’s birthright to know the details of your sex life right down to when you intend to stop using protection and start having wild, unbridled sex in the hope of giving some “good news.”
• If you are unmarried you are not ‘important’ enough and have no specific role to play in any of the elaborate stuff – however you are perfectly free to drink your sodden, single self silly.
• If you are unmarried and are related to the person getting married, then every single man or woman is potential ‘next time’ material – the hushed whispers wonder whether those rumors about your being gay are true after all.
• People you have never met/who ‘met’ you when you peed on their lap (when you were a kid…I hope) begin conversations with “MY! How much you have grown! Do you recognize me?” – not right now I don’t, but I could try peeing on you again, maybe the stain would jog my memory some?