Friend-dom

The dictionary defines a friend as:

• one attached to another by affection or esteem
• one that is not hostile b : one that is of the same nation, party, or group
• one that favors or promotes something (as a charity)
• a favored companion
• a member of a Christian sect that stresses Inner Light, rejects sacraments and an ordained ministry, and opposes war -- called also Quaker

…even with all these definitions (yes, even the last one), I am still groping to find what it is that group of animate and inanimate objects I have chosen to call a ‘friend’. What is it that intangible quality that proverbially ‘clicks’ and therein, a ‘friendship’ starts? What are (if…) the parameters that define what phrases like ‘just-friends’ or ‘never-thought-of-you-as anything-but-a-friend’ mean? Why is it so easy to ‘go-back-to-being-friends’ when a romance doesn’t presumably ‘work out’? IS it easy to ‘go-back-to-being-friends’ at all? Does that mean everything but the physical intimacy that existed has a right to remain? And of course, does even THAT remain as is?

Questions. Questions. Questions. But without any…no, actually, with terribly gray answers. Why is gray terrible? Because it is neither black nor white! Because it is a shade that implies a concentration of either color with no apparent measure to determine why. What’s really sad is that gray was what I wanted and demanded every thing to be when I was younger – like a private ensconced comfort found only in the unknown…and converting even seemingly ‘accepted’ ‘knowns’ into the unknown. But now, it seems like a compulsion has taken over that forcibly makes me try to undo all the ‘grays’ I created and compartmentalize them into blacks and whites – like a reverse painting process. But I digress…back to ‘friend-dom’ for now.

From ever since I have had any conscious awareness of myself, this definitive (ironic?) group has occupied supreme importance, significance and priority in my life. All significant milestones and conversations – strife-y or happ-y – have one thing in common - the explicit use of this word ‘friend’ that I am so struggling to define. ‘Family’ a) always played second fiddle and b) was always this alien concept that I tried and still somewhat try to conform to. Anyway, I am not quite sure how to end this sudden, impulsive diatribe that has led to so many words already…even more not sure of whether it can really…